Beware of such friends, the ones that like to always be on top of the “situation”!
Cute ducks, though

photo by AramWilliams

Darwin award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. This year winner was one of the few Darwin Award nominees to survive his award-winning accomplishment…

photo by jadedink

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time, and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut down because one worker couldn’t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said,
“Lady, I said to give each doll Two—–Test—–Tickles.”

Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word “NO!”
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car…

If a dog says sausages, that’s clever. If a man says sausages, that’s just greedy.
If a dog gets ill, it won’t take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.

Dogs went into space first.
Dogs can find their way back home – even after a really heavy night out.
Puppy love doesn’t wear off so quickly with a dog.

Dogs whine less.
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.

Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it’ll break.
A ‘King Charles’ is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.

In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.

A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.

Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don’t spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for the match.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.

Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you’re saying.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.

Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops…and not criticize your purchases afterwords.
Being a dog’s mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.

Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren’t half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn’t kinky.

You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.

A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it’s cute. When men beg it’s pathetic.
Dogs won’t get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.

A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.

Now where could he be going? D’uh, stupid question! To the weekly elephants’ meeting, of course!

A fox was peacefully walking through the desert, when, all of a sudden, she spots a dog running like crazy. Being a curious animal, the fox stops him and asks:
“Hey dog, what’s the rush? Why are you in such a hurry?”
The dog replies, while desperately looking around:
“Leave me alone now, if I don’t find a tree I’ll piss myself!”

An amateurish naturist decides to study the behaviour of lice. He sets the lice on a sheet of paper and tells him:
“Lice, jump!”
And the lice jumps. Then the naturists cuts off the legs of the lice and sets it back on the sheet of paper, ordering:
“Lice, jump!”
The lice doesn’t move. The naturists then writes down in his notebook: “after cutting off the legs, the lice goes deaf.”

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Here is a simple, but very efficient personality test that every person should take. It deals with the hidden psychology of humans and reveals your true nature. You have to be honest with yourself, don’t read any line ahead.
Ok, now take a piece of paper and write down the answers for the following questions, looking at the image:

1. You like that shade of pink, like the hearts are? ( yes/no answer )
2. How many green squares do you see?
3. How many red circles do you see?
4. Are the check marks blue or black?

Ok, here are your results:

1. You like/dislike that shade of pink
2. You can count quite well
3. You have enough patience to count quite well
4. You can distinguish colors, I’m proud of you

Now, before you get angry and think that you wasted time with this (which you did.. ), think of all those tests online that you took…you think that 95% of those are not invented? Maybe they spend a bit more time when making them, but the results are pretty much just as accurate as mine here…
Have a lovely day!