A fox was peacefully walking through the desert, when, all of a sudden, she spots a dog running like crazy. Being a curious animal, the fox stops him and asks:
“Hey dog, what’s the rush? Why are you in such a hurry?”
The dog replies, while desperately looking around:
“Leave me alone now, if I don’t find a tree I’ll piss myself!”

An amateurish naturist decides to study the behaviour of lice. He sets the lice on a sheet of paper and tells him:
“Lice, jump!”
And the lice jumps. Then the naturists cuts off the legs of the lice and sets it back on the sheet of paper, ordering:
“Lice, jump!”
The lice doesn’t move. The naturists then writes down in his notebook: “after cutting off the legs, the lice goes deaf.”

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

A little boy asked his father: “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied: “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar…(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, “GOD IS WATCHING YOU”. He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, “GOD IS WATCHING YOU”. The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, “Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me.” “Hey” said the parrot. “My name ain’t Polly. It’s John the Baptist.” The burglar snorted, “Who in the world named you John the Baptist?”. Parrot says, “The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!”

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. “What are you doing in there?” she asked.
The rabbit replied: “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?” to which the lady replied, “Yes.”
“Well,” the rabbit said, “I’m westing.”

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Two cows are in a field.
First Cow: “Do you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?”
Second Cow: “Nah, I’m a penguin.”

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stops him and says that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”